Notes on a self improvement project

So, here is what I want to say to him given the chance: What the fuck are you thinking? How did you let your life get to this point? Let's review, shall we? A little less than two years ago, you were fairly unhappily married to a woman who cheated on you multiple times, who trashed your house, who didn't help you keep up the house or contribute to the household, who spent money on things like a dog which required you to sell things like your car, who made little effort to get to know your daughters and who didn't encourage you to have a healthy relationship with them, who was negative and made you miserable - you told me about some of these fights even before we were together. Then, eventually, she actually had you arrested for something you say you didn't do, and left you in jail for two nights. After that, you decided, for many very good reasons, to get a divorce. Then, we got together. We had a great relationship. We talked all the time, we got to really kno...

On Sunday night, Tom and I had a conversation via Words With Friends. Two nights before, we had talked about his daughter and then talked in general. It was a nice conversation that lasted a couple of hours. It felt so good to talk to him. It felt so natural. So right. I'll skip past the part where on Friday, his daughter told me that the ex-wife is moving back in. And how devastating that was to hear. Especially since he didn't say anything about it in our conversation. And I gave him the opening to do so. Fast forward to Sunday and the WWF game. I had a few drinks; apparently he had as well. For awhile, we were just talking smack with each other about the game, and then the conversation shifted to something else entirely. It became something really open. And honest. And intimate. It was a conversation I've wanted to have with a partner for pretty much my entire adult life. And here we were, having that conversation. It was amazing. Tom and I are having this conv...

Two days ago, the actor Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide.  There are reports that he was suffering from depression.  He was only 63. Thankfully, most of the posts I have seen have been sympathetic. I personally haven't seen any posts that are critical of him. However, I know there are posts out there saying that suicide is a cowardly or selfish thing to do, or that he took the "easy" way out. My heart aches for him and his family and friends, especially if any of them have seen or heard anything like that. I understand why people have that opinion and they are entitled to it. I cannot understand, however, why anyone actually says it or posts it. How does that help anyone? Does it help anyone heal? There is nothing, absolutely nothing, "easy" or cowardly about suicide, and it is far from selfish. If nothing else good comes from such a tragic death of a such a beloved public figure, I hope that the perception of what depression is and what suicide...

On Sunday, Tom posted something about pulling a muscle in his back, to which I commented with a frowny face emoticon. Which I maybe shouldn't have done, because I was then notified of every other comment to the post, which of course quickly included a comment about morning sex...Awesome.  But he replied that there wasn't anyone to do that with...which made me happy and sad at the same time.  It was so incredibly hard for me to not jump in with a reply about how he could have had someone. It was, still is apparently, his choice not to have someone. It hurts so much, though, that he seems to still want someone, just not me. (On a somewhat amusing side note to that story, someone who knew my brother in high school commented to me, asking about him. We hijacked the thread for a while.) Then, a few days ago, Tom randomly messaged me with old photos from one of his yearbooks.  I can't even tell you how it felt to see a message from him. We talked for just a few minutes, and...

It has been a week since Tom ended our relationship officially and, because I haven't talked to him at all since, apparently permanently.  I have kept breathing through it.  I'm not sure how or why, and sometimes not sure I wanted to, but I have. In this week, I've gotten a lot of advice.  It is good advice and I know the people giving it mean well.  They are giving me the advice because they care and they are trying to help.  I appreciate all of that.  It's just that the advice doesn't really help:  Remember, this is probably for best.  One door has to close for another one to open.  *shrug* Just move on.   Move on to what?  What door is going to open?  What is for the best about this?   What better thing is out there?  Where?  How do I find it?  I don't know.  That's never part of the advice. The advice I've gotten the most is some variation of be strong.  The thing is, I already know ...