RIP, Robin Williams
Two days ago, the actor Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide. There are reports that he was suffering from depression. He was only 63.
Thankfully, most of the posts I have seen have been sympathetic. I personally haven't seen any posts that are critical of him. However, I know there are posts out there saying that suicide is a cowardly or selfish thing to do, or that he took the "easy" way out.
My heart aches for him and his family and friends, especially if any of them have seen or heard anything like that. I understand why people have that opinion and they are entitled to it. I cannot understand, however, why anyone actually says it or posts it. How does that help anyone? Does it help anyone heal?
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, "easy" or cowardly about suicide, and it is far from selfish. If nothing else good comes from such a tragic death of a such a beloved public figure, I hope that the perception of what depression is and what suicide is will change. I hope that most people will think twice before saying something like that or posting it in a public forum. I hope that before they make judgments about this, that they try to understand what it is like to suffer from depression.
To those who believe depression isn't a big deal or that suicide is the "easy" solution:
Try to imagine sadness and hopelessness and loneliness so profound that the desire to end those feelings makes ending your life to make them stop seem like a logical choice. They are more so much bigger, so much more powerful than your most basic instinct, the instinct to survive. These feelings are so overwhelming, so encompassing, so pervasive, that you not think it will never get better. In fact, you can't fathom what better would even be like.
In some part of your mind, you know that you love people and people love you; you smile and laugh and maybe even have fun, but the emotion is so distant that it doesn't really touch you. It isn't real. It is like you are watching a play about those kind of emotions - you can see them and you recognize they exist, but you can't experience them. There is no joy. There is no hope. If you ever felt joy or hope, it has been so long since you felt them that you can't remember what they feel like. The only thing real to you is hopelessness. The hopelessness is so complete that it is beyond a feeling - it is a state of being.
Sometimes at night when you can't sleep, you picture yourself in a tunnel. You know that you should be able to see a light at the end because that is what is always promised, right? That there is always a light at the end of the tunnel? But there is no light. None. You have been wandering in this tunnel for who knows how long. You've lost track. Weeks? Months? Years? All around you, the tunnel is totally black and has been since you fell into it. There have been so many twists and turns and obstacles in your way that you couldn't begin find your way back to to where you started, and you can't find your way forward. And why bother trying? You found your way out of one or two or a dozen tunnels already, but here you are in another one. And if you find your way out of this one, you'll probably just fall into another one down the road. It is pointless to keep going.
You are completely lost. You are completely alone.
You want to talk to someone. Some part of you knows that you should. But how do you talk about this? How do you find the words to describe something so...so...big? How can you make someone else understand it? Even if you could find the words, would you try to talk about it? You are so afraid to. What if they don't understand? What if they think you're crazy? What if they think less of you? What if all they do is tell you to be strong?
You've heard that so often. Too often. How do you explain to them that that advice just makes you feel like more of a failure? What do they think you've been trying to do? You can't be any stronger than you have been. How do you explain that it took all the strength you had to just get out of bed this morning and pretend to function enough to keep your job? You don't even have enough strength left to face the fact that you have to do it all again tomorrow. How could you possibly find the strength it will take to get better? And, oh, my God, you just realized that tomorrow will be another day EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE. And so will the day after that. And the day after that one. And the next one after that. EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE. How will you be able to get through them? Do you want to? Do you even want to try?
You are so, so tired of this. You are so tired. So...tired. You just want to sleep. Sleep. Sleep forever.
That is a snapshot of what it is like. Every. Single. Day. It can go on for weeks or months or years. You can think you've beaten it, only to find yourself battling again. And again. And again.
Depression isn't just a bad case of the blues. The people suffering with it are not "wallowing" or just feeling sorry for themselves. They can't just "snap out of it," and "being strong" will not make it all ok. Most people who die by suicide don't do it the first day they felt bad; most struggle for a long time and often multiple times before it happens.
Depression is a serious illness. Some people recover from depression, but tragically, for some, depression is fatal. And who is being selfish here? The people left behind who want the person in the midst of this pain to keep going through it, or the person who ends their pain on their own terms?
Maybe both. Maybe neither. Maybe we are all just human. Maybe we are all just doing our best with what we have. Maybe we all have demons. Maybe we all have a story. Maybe we can never fully understand someone else's story. Maybe, just maybe, we all have to accept that other people handle things in a way we wouldn't chose for ourselves. Maybe we all need to forgive those choices. Maybe we all need to have compassion for others.
Maybe we need to see suicide for what it is, and only for what it is: the tragic, final act of someone in an incredible amount of pain.
Unless you have been there, in that dark tunnel, lost and alone, you shouldn't judge. And if you have been there and found your way out, you won't judge. You know how fragile the decision to keep going was. You know how tired you were, how much you just wanted to fall asleep forever. Any little thing along the way could have made a difference and you would have. If someone hadn't smiled at you at the store. If the dog hadn't greeted you at the door. If someone you loved had told you it was a sign of weakness to be depressed. Everyone who has been there knows how close they came to staying there, sleeping the final, forever sleep.
Nothing about depression is easy. Nothing. Especially not the decision to end it yourself.
For those of you who made it through the tunnel, I am so proud of you. I'm glad you're here! For those of you who loved someone who didn't, I'm so sorry for your loss. For those still in the tunnel, I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that no matter how you feel now, you are not alone and help is available. Please make the call: 1-800-273-8255.
P.S. If you still think suicide is the easy way out, or selfish, or whatever you think about it, please think twice before expressing that opinion. Please. I am begging you. You never know who is listening. There might be someone in your life right now, someone you care about, who will choose NOT to confide in you if they hear you say or see you post that opinion.
I know there are parents out there who don't understand depression and don't think it is as serious as it really is. (Literally. I specifically know of at least one parent. I don't mean my own!) Please, please learn more about this illness. Read books, talk to experts, do what you need to do to learn about it. Understand what your daughter is experiencing. Take it seriously. Love her. Let her know you love her. Be there for her. She needs you.
Thankfully, most of the posts I have seen have been sympathetic. I personally haven't seen any posts that are critical of him. However, I know there are posts out there saying that suicide is a cowardly or selfish thing to do, or that he took the "easy" way out.
My heart aches for him and his family and friends, especially if any of them have seen or heard anything like that. I understand why people have that opinion and they are entitled to it. I cannot understand, however, why anyone actually says it or posts it. How does that help anyone? Does it help anyone heal?
There is nothing, absolutely nothing, "easy" or cowardly about suicide, and it is far from selfish. If nothing else good comes from such a tragic death of a such a beloved public figure, I hope that the perception of what depression is and what suicide is will change. I hope that most people will think twice before saying something like that or posting it in a public forum. I hope that before they make judgments about this, that they try to understand what it is like to suffer from depression.
To those who believe depression isn't a big deal or that suicide is the "easy" solution:
Try to imagine sadness and hopelessness and loneliness so profound that the desire to end those feelings makes ending your life to make them stop seem like a logical choice. They are more so much bigger, so much more powerful than your most basic instinct, the instinct to survive. These feelings are so overwhelming, so encompassing, so pervasive, that you not think it will never get better. In fact, you can't fathom what better would even be like.
In some part of your mind, you know that you love people and people love you; you smile and laugh and maybe even have fun, but the emotion is so distant that it doesn't really touch you. It isn't real. It is like you are watching a play about those kind of emotions - you can see them and you recognize they exist, but you can't experience them. There is no joy. There is no hope. If you ever felt joy or hope, it has been so long since you felt them that you can't remember what they feel like. The only thing real to you is hopelessness. The hopelessness is so complete that it is beyond a feeling - it is a state of being.
Sometimes at night when you can't sleep, you picture yourself in a tunnel. You know that you should be able to see a light at the end because that is what is always promised, right? That there is always a light at the end of the tunnel? But there is no light. None. You have been wandering in this tunnel for who knows how long. You've lost track. Weeks? Months? Years? All around you, the tunnel is totally black and has been since you fell into it. There have been so many twists and turns and obstacles in your way that you couldn't begin find your way back to to where you started, and you can't find your way forward. And why bother trying? You found your way out of one or two or a dozen tunnels already, but here you are in another one. And if you find your way out of this one, you'll probably just fall into another one down the road. It is pointless to keep going.
You are completely lost. You are completely alone.
You want to talk to someone. Some part of you knows that you should. But how do you talk about this? How do you find the words to describe something so...so...big? How can you make someone else understand it? Even if you could find the words, would you try to talk about it? You are so afraid to. What if they don't understand? What if they think you're crazy? What if they think less of you? What if all they do is tell you to be strong?
You've heard that so often. Too often. How do you explain to them that that advice just makes you feel like more of a failure? What do they think you've been trying to do? You can't be any stronger than you have been. How do you explain that it took all the strength you had to just get out of bed this morning and pretend to function enough to keep your job? You don't even have enough strength left to face the fact that you have to do it all again tomorrow. How could you possibly find the strength it will take to get better? And, oh, my God, you just realized that tomorrow will be another day EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE. And so will the day after that. And the day after that one. And the next one after that. EXACTLY LIKE THIS ONE. How will you be able to get through them? Do you want to? Do you even want to try?
You are so, so tired of this. You are so tired. So...tired. You just want to sleep. Sleep. Sleep forever.
That is a snapshot of what it is like. Every. Single. Day. It can go on for weeks or months or years. You can think you've beaten it, only to find yourself battling again. And again. And again.
Depression isn't just a bad case of the blues. The people suffering with it are not "wallowing" or just feeling sorry for themselves. They can't just "snap out of it," and "being strong" will not make it all ok. Most people who die by suicide don't do it the first day they felt bad; most struggle for a long time and often multiple times before it happens.
Depression is a serious illness. Some people recover from depression, but tragically, for some, depression is fatal. And who is being selfish here? The people left behind who want the person in the midst of this pain to keep going through it, or the person who ends their pain on their own terms?
Maybe both. Maybe neither. Maybe we are all just human. Maybe we are all just doing our best with what we have. Maybe we all have demons. Maybe we all have a story. Maybe we can never fully understand someone else's story. Maybe, just maybe, we all have to accept that other people handle things in a way we wouldn't chose for ourselves. Maybe we all need to forgive those choices. Maybe we all need to have compassion for others.
Maybe we need to see suicide for what it is, and only for what it is: the tragic, final act of someone in an incredible amount of pain.
Unless you have been there, in that dark tunnel, lost and alone, you shouldn't judge. And if you have been there and found your way out, you won't judge. You know how fragile the decision to keep going was. You know how tired you were, how much you just wanted to fall asleep forever. Any little thing along the way could have made a difference and you would have. If someone hadn't smiled at you at the store. If the dog hadn't greeted you at the door. If someone you loved had told you it was a sign of weakness to be depressed. Everyone who has been there knows how close they came to staying there, sleeping the final, forever sleep.
Nothing about depression is easy. Nothing. Especially not the decision to end it yourself.
For those of you who made it through the tunnel, I am so proud of you. I'm glad you're here! For those of you who loved someone who didn't, I'm so sorry for your loss. For those still in the tunnel, I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that no matter how you feel now, you are not alone and help is available. Please make the call: 1-800-273-8255.
P.S. If you still think suicide is the easy way out, or selfish, or whatever you think about it, please think twice before expressing that opinion. Please. I am begging you. You never know who is listening. There might be someone in your life right now, someone you care about, who will choose NOT to confide in you if they hear you say or see you post that opinion.
I know there are parents out there who don't understand depression and don't think it is as serious as it really is. (Literally. I specifically know of at least one parent. I don't mean my own!) Please, please learn more about this illness. Read books, talk to experts, do what you need to do to learn about it. Understand what your daughter is experiencing. Take it seriously. Love her. Let her know you love her. Be there for her. She needs you.
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