So, just when I was starting to feel ok about everything...
On Sunday, Tom posted something about pulling a muscle in his back, to which I commented with a frowny face emoticon. Which I maybe shouldn't have done, because I was then notified of every other comment to the post, which of course quickly included a comment about morning sex...Awesome. But he replied that there wasn't anyone to do that with...which made me happy and sad at the same time. It was so incredibly hard for me to not jump in with a reply about how he could have had someone. It was, still is apparently, his choice not to have someone. It hurts so much, though, that he seems to still want someone, just not me.
(On a somewhat amusing side note to that story, someone who knew my brother in high school commented to me, asking about him. We hijacked the thread for a while.)
Then, a few days ago, Tom randomly messaged me with old photos from one of his yearbooks. I can't even tell you how it felt to see a message from him. We talked for just a few minutes, and nothing since then. It felt so familiar, and so good and so natural to be talking to him for even just those few moments. And then I remembered that it was probably just a fleeting conversation. I miss talking to him so much.
I go back and forth between thinking I should block him or unfriend him to avoid exactly this, and knowing that someday I would regret not keeping some contact with him. Is it worth cutting someone I love out of my life completely just to avoid pain right now? Probably not, not in the long run. If I have learned anything in the last few years, it is that even a long life is really short. People matter. Relationships matter. Love matters. The connection, however fleeting or tangential, matters. So I will probably not unfriend him, and just deal with it.
I have been talking to his oldest daughter somewhat often lately. I had told her when Tom and I first started dating that no matter what happened between her father and me, she could always talk to me. She's been having some rough patches lately. She is so much like me (especially as a teenager, but pretty much the present me too). It is like talking to the mirror. I tell her all the time that I know how she feels about whatever, so much so that I wonder if she believes it; the scary part is that I really do know. Exactly know. I don't know if talking with me helps at all, but I hope it does. I really, truly want to help this girl in any way I can.
I fell totally in love with his daughters. I feel like his oldest daughter and I really clicked, and she reached out to me more than his younger daughter, but I fell in love with both of them. They are beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, funny young women. I wanted so much to be a stepmother to them. I think I would have been a really good stepmom. The reality that I won't have that chance is almost as heartbreaking, maybe more, than the loss of the relationship with Tom itself.
(On a somewhat amusing side note to that story, someone who knew my brother in high school commented to me, asking about him. We hijacked the thread for a while.)
Then, a few days ago, Tom randomly messaged me with old photos from one of his yearbooks. I can't even tell you how it felt to see a message from him. We talked for just a few minutes, and nothing since then. It felt so familiar, and so good and so natural to be talking to him for even just those few moments. And then I remembered that it was probably just a fleeting conversation. I miss talking to him so much.
I go back and forth between thinking I should block him or unfriend him to avoid exactly this, and knowing that someday I would regret not keeping some contact with him. Is it worth cutting someone I love out of my life completely just to avoid pain right now? Probably not, not in the long run. If I have learned anything in the last few years, it is that even a long life is really short. People matter. Relationships matter. Love matters. The connection, however fleeting or tangential, matters. So I will probably not unfriend him, and just deal with it.
I have been talking to his oldest daughter somewhat often lately. I had told her when Tom and I first started dating that no matter what happened between her father and me, she could always talk to me. She's been having some rough patches lately. She is so much like me (especially as a teenager, but pretty much the present me too). It is like talking to the mirror. I tell her all the time that I know how she feels about whatever, so much so that I wonder if she believes it; the scary part is that I really do know. Exactly know. I don't know if talking with me helps at all, but I hope it does. I really, truly want to help this girl in any way I can.
I fell totally in love with his daughters. I feel like his oldest daughter and I really clicked, and she reached out to me more than his younger daughter, but I fell in love with both of them. They are beautiful, smart, talented, sensitive, funny young women. I wanted so much to be a stepmother to them. I think I would have been a really good stepmom. The reality that I won't have that chance is almost as heartbreaking, maybe more, than the loss of the relationship with Tom itself.
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