Another...
It has been a week since Tom ended our relationship officially and, because I haven't talked to him at all since, apparently permanently. I have kept breathing through it. I'm not sure how or why, and sometimes not sure I wanted to, but I have.
In this week, I've gotten a lot of advice. It is good advice and I know the people giving it mean well. They are giving me the advice because they care and they are trying to help. I appreciate all of that. It's just that the advice doesn't really help: Remember, this is probably for best. One door has to close for another one to open. *shrug* Just move on.
Move on to what? What door is going to open? What is for the best about this? What better thing is out there? Where? How do I find it? I don't know. That's never part of the advice.
The advice I've gotten the most is some variation of be strong. The thing is, I already know to be strong. I've been strong before, through all of the other stuff that has come my way in the past seven years. I've already been there, done that. I'm so tired of being strong. So tired. I don't want to be strong any more, I want to be happy.
I was happy with Tom. It was the happiest I've ever been. Ever. I love him so much. If it makes any sense, I love him in a complete way. There's no loving the potential of him, I love him exactly as he is, for who he was and who he is now. And for awhile, I felt loved for me, exactly as I am. He never once made me feel not good enough, at least not until last week. This is the first time in my life I've ever felt that way. No man I've loved has ever actually made me feel good about myself, until Tom. (No man. Until Tom. That includes the man I actually married.) I've lived half my life now, and this was the first relationship I've had where I felt fully loved by him as much as I love him.
How do you move on from that? How do you let it go? I don't know that either. That is also never part of the advice.
Last night, I had a dream where I was trying to share photos in messages on Facebook. They were all kinds of different photos, of different things, and I needed to share them with all kinds of different people, but no matter what did or who I was trying to share them with, I kept putting them in messages to Tom instead. It doesn't take a psychologist or even a dream expert to figure this out. I still want to share everything with him. I think it will take a long time before that changes.
It hurts unbelievably much that it has already changed for him. For awhile, he wanted to share everything with me, too. We talked every night, about anything and everything. Even though there was physical distance, I felt like we were very much part of each other's daily life. Losing that connection hurts, physically hurts. Losing the future we talked about and I truly believed we could build together hurts. Losing the family we would have been hurts.
I don't want to hurt this much any more. My life for so long has been this long stretch of hurt and stress (big and little, but mostly big) and losses (big and little, but mostly big), with these tiny spots of happiness here and there. Those spots have been few and far between and fleeting. This last year with Tom was one of those spots. It was so bright and so wonderful, but it's over now; and now, there is just more of the hurt and stress ahead.
People keep telling me that things will turn around soon, they have to, but I've been hearing that for so long now and it doesn't happen. I just really don't know how much more bad I can handle. I've been trying to be strong for way too long. Yes, I know I can and will survive it. I've survived a lot already. But I feel like I'm losing so much of me along the way. Pretty soon, I don't know what will be left or if I will even recognize myself.
In this week, I've gotten a lot of advice. It is good advice and I know the people giving it mean well. They are giving me the advice because they care and they are trying to help. I appreciate all of that. It's just that the advice doesn't really help: Remember, this is probably for best. One door has to close for another one to open. *shrug* Just move on.
Move on to what? What door is going to open? What is for the best about this? What better thing is out there? Where? How do I find it? I don't know. That's never part of the advice.
The advice I've gotten the most is some variation of be strong. The thing is, I already know to be strong. I've been strong before, through all of the other stuff that has come my way in the past seven years. I've already been there, done that. I'm so tired of being strong. So tired. I don't want to be strong any more, I want to be happy.
I was happy with Tom. It was the happiest I've ever been. Ever. I love him so much. If it makes any sense, I love him in a complete way. There's no loving the potential of him, I love him exactly as he is, for who he was and who he is now. And for awhile, I felt loved for me, exactly as I am. He never once made me feel not good enough, at least not until last week. This is the first time in my life I've ever felt that way. No man I've loved has ever actually made me feel good about myself, until Tom. (No man. Until Tom. That includes the man I actually married.) I've lived half my life now, and this was the first relationship I've had where I felt fully loved by him as much as I love him.
How do you move on from that? How do you let it go? I don't know that either. That is also never part of the advice.
Last night, I had a dream where I was trying to share photos in messages on Facebook. They were all kinds of different photos, of different things, and I needed to share them with all kinds of different people, but no matter what did or who I was trying to share them with, I kept putting them in messages to Tom instead. It doesn't take a psychologist or even a dream expert to figure this out. I still want to share everything with him. I think it will take a long time before that changes.
It hurts unbelievably much that it has already changed for him. For awhile, he wanted to share everything with me, too. We talked every night, about anything and everything. Even though there was physical distance, I felt like we were very much part of each other's daily life. Losing that connection hurts, physically hurts. Losing the future we talked about and I truly believed we could build together hurts. Losing the family we would have been hurts.
I don't want to hurt this much any more. My life for so long has been this long stretch of hurt and stress (big and little, but mostly big) and losses (big and little, but mostly big), with these tiny spots of happiness here and there. Those spots have been few and far between and fleeting. This last year with Tom was one of those spots. It was so bright and so wonderful, but it's over now; and now, there is just more of the hurt and stress ahead.
People keep telling me that things will turn around soon, they have to, but I've been hearing that for so long now and it doesn't happen. I just really don't know how much more bad I can handle. I've been trying to be strong for way too long. Yes, I know I can and will survive it. I've survived a lot already. But I feel like I'm losing so much of me along the way. Pretty soon, I don't know what will be left or if I will even recognize myself.
Nora, this just makes my heart hurt for you. What a sad place you are at. I will pray for you. Lots. I'm so sorry for your heartache.
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