A true love story or a dysfunctional mess...What would YOU prefer?
A certain friend of mine posted this story recently: http://nypost.com/2014/06/08/inside-the-twisted-love-affair-of-joe-dimaggio-marilyn-monroe/
about Marilyn Monroe and Joe Dimaggio's "love" story. Though I haven't talked to my friend about this post, it seemed as though my friend was focusing on the "love" part rather than the "sick and twisted" part.
Yeah. This is a great love story, all right. Two people who could never truly be happy together, two people who couldn't stop hurting each other, two people who brought out the worst in each other, two people who could never really let the other shine. They were really only good for each other when they fell so far that up was the only option. Sounds like real love to me.
The thing is, a younger me might have seen the romance in this story. What is it about our culture and society that sees a relationship like this as something admirable or noble? For some reason, we romanticize unhealthy relationships - it's as if we think that if we stick it out with someone who is wrong for us, despite being unhappy or having to make huge sacrifices, just because there is a feeling we think is "love," it makes the relationship something more valuable. Like emotional well-being is equal to a career or wealth; because it was hard to accomplish, it is somehow worth more.
The thing is, there is a huge spectrum of feelings that we call love, and all of them are important - but not all of them are healthy. Joe and Marilyn had a undeniable connection. They were there for each other when they needed to be. Was it love? Probably, in some fashion. Was it a love that was good for them? Was it healthy? Is it the kind of love that we should be romanticizing? Should we encourage people we care about to be in a relationship like theirs? Decidedly not.
The dysfunctional mess that was Marilyn and Joe's "love" story was a lot of things, but it was not healthy. I would not wish their relationship on anyone I care about.
I can almost hear the younger me say to today's me, "But, Nora, they couldn't let each other go! Doesn't that mean they are soulmates?"
No. No, younger me, they were not. They WERE NOT soulmates. Whatever they were to each other, soulmates is not what it was.
Today's me has been in a relationship like this one. Dale and I had an instantaneous, intense connection. We had chemistry. We had fun together. We enjoyed spending time together. We made promises to each other. We genuinely cared about each other. We did, truly, love each other.
We stayed together for five years. Five. You don't stay with someone for five years if there isn't some real emotion between you. But if you ask any of my friends or family, or me, if it was was possible to get back together with Dale, should I do it, not one would say yes. Not one. If any of them are reading this right now, they are probably screaming "No!" out loud right now.
In those five years, we argued. We fought. Police were called more than once. Many possessions were broken. My house was trashed. My finances were destroyed. People I cared about - friends and family - wouldn't hang out with me if Dale was with me. I lost jobs. I didn't sleep. Dale treated my time and responsibilities as insignificant and meaningless. He left me alone in dangerous situations and acted like it was no big deal. I was asked by this person I loved to lie, to cheat, to do things totally against my values. I was asked by him to compromise my ethics. At the end of those five years, I had lost so much that was meaningful to me. I didn't recognize my life. I didn't recognize myself, because I had compromised on too many things. I had not lost forever the relationships that meant the most to me, but they were damaged. All for "love."
At one point, two wonderful friends had a Dale intervention with me. They sat down with me and confronted me with the facts of this relationship. They were right, and I wish I had listened. It would have saved me a lot of drama and trauma. (I never said thank you, Dina and Gina. I love you for trying. I really do wish I had listened to you.)
But I didn't listen. I wanted to believe that love was enough, and that if we tried hard enough, it would work out.
But here's the thing. Dale and I were fundamentally wrong for each other. We could love each other and care for each other, and want to help each other. We could work harder, we could try over and over, but we were never going to be good for each other. Nothing about our life together would ever be healthy.
Learn from my mistakes. Please. I didn't listen when people tried to help me and I paid dearly for that in so many ways. So take this chance to listen to what I learned.
The kind of love you want in your life is NOT this kind. Good love, the kind you build a life around is not THIS hard. It is not a never ending test or an endless marathon. It is more like having a perpetual relaxing yet productive weekend with occasional minor storms to get through.
Good love brings GOOD things. If your relationship is the cause of multiple bad events or losses in your life, pay attention. If the person you are with causes you problems at work, PAY ATTENTION. If the person you are with damages your belongings or steals from you, PAY ATTENTION. I am not saying your should value possessions more than people, I am saying that the person in your life should value YOU enough to respect your property - especially things like your money, your home, your pets, your clothing, your keepsakes. If they do not, PAY ATTENTION.
A good love brings out the best in you. It enhances your good qualities and assets, and minimizes the bad. Someone who is right for you will respect the essence of you. If they ask you to act in ways that are contrary to who you are at your core, PAY ATTENTION. If you start treating the other people in your life worse because the person you are with asks it or demands it, PAY ATTENTION. If your responsibilities, obligations, social engagements, wants, needs and interests are always dismissed, PAY ATTENTION.
A good love will enhance your other relationships, not detract from them. If you have to sacrifice family, especially parents or children, or multiple friendships, if you are spending less and less time with people who are important to you, to be with someone else, THAT RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE THAT IS WRONG FOR YOU. The people in your life who matter to you - your friends, your family, your parents and your children, will ALWAYS be in YOUR corner, and be looking out FOR YOU. Pay attention. (The one exception is if your friends or family object solely on the basis of racial/religious/cultural/etc. prejudice. On that one, you really do have to decide what is right for you.)
And if you look at the person you're with and think, this person isn't so bad, if we work at this enough, if this person changes x, y, z, etc., pay attention. If those things are fundamental elements of who they are, those things probably won't change. If you don't like the way they treat other people, if they are irresponsible, if they aren't pleasant to be around, if they don't have the same values as you, if they lie or cheat or steal, these things are unlikely to change. If these are problems, these will ALWAYS be problems.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that a good relationship won't have any problems, or will never take any sort of compromise or effort. I'm not saying that the moment life isn't a party, you should call it quits and walk away. I'm saying that you should be honest with yourself about what is right and wrong, what is good or bad, what is healthy or unhealthy. Be honest about what is temporary and what is permanent. And think about what you really want your life to be like and if that life is possible with the person you're with. Don't sacrifice what really matters to you if the result isn't worth it. Pay attention.
about Marilyn Monroe and Joe Dimaggio's "love" story. Though I haven't talked to my friend about this post, it seemed as though my friend was focusing on the "love" part rather than the "sick and twisted" part.
Yeah. This is a great love story, all right. Two people who could never truly be happy together, two people who couldn't stop hurting each other, two people who brought out the worst in each other, two people who could never really let the other shine. They were really only good for each other when they fell so far that up was the only option. Sounds like real love to me.
The thing is, a younger me might have seen the romance in this story. What is it about our culture and society that sees a relationship like this as something admirable or noble? For some reason, we romanticize unhealthy relationships - it's as if we think that if we stick it out with someone who is wrong for us, despite being unhappy or having to make huge sacrifices, just because there is a feeling we think is "love," it makes the relationship something more valuable. Like emotional well-being is equal to a career or wealth; because it was hard to accomplish, it is somehow worth more.
The thing is, there is a huge spectrum of feelings that we call love, and all of them are important - but not all of them are healthy. Joe and Marilyn had a undeniable connection. They were there for each other when they needed to be. Was it love? Probably, in some fashion. Was it a love that was good for them? Was it healthy? Is it the kind of love that we should be romanticizing? Should we encourage people we care about to be in a relationship like theirs? Decidedly not.
The dysfunctional mess that was Marilyn and Joe's "love" story was a lot of things, but it was not healthy. I would not wish their relationship on anyone I care about.
I can almost hear the younger me say to today's me, "But, Nora, they couldn't let each other go! Doesn't that mean they are soulmates?"
No. No, younger me, they were not. They WERE NOT soulmates. Whatever they were to each other, soulmates is not what it was.
Today's me has been in a relationship like this one. Dale and I had an instantaneous, intense connection. We had chemistry. We had fun together. We enjoyed spending time together. We made promises to each other. We genuinely cared about each other. We did, truly, love each other.
We stayed together for five years. Five. You don't stay with someone for five years if there isn't some real emotion between you. But if you ask any of my friends or family, or me, if it was was possible to get back together with Dale, should I do it, not one would say yes. Not one. If any of them are reading this right now, they are probably screaming "No!" out loud right now.
In those five years, we argued. We fought. Police were called more than once. Many possessions were broken. My house was trashed. My finances were destroyed. People I cared about - friends and family - wouldn't hang out with me if Dale was with me. I lost jobs. I didn't sleep. Dale treated my time and responsibilities as insignificant and meaningless. He left me alone in dangerous situations and acted like it was no big deal. I was asked by this person I loved to lie, to cheat, to do things totally against my values. I was asked by him to compromise my ethics. At the end of those five years, I had lost so much that was meaningful to me. I didn't recognize my life. I didn't recognize myself, because I had compromised on too many things. I had not lost forever the relationships that meant the most to me, but they were damaged. All for "love."
At one point, two wonderful friends had a Dale intervention with me. They sat down with me and confronted me with the facts of this relationship. They were right, and I wish I had listened. It would have saved me a lot of drama and trauma. (I never said thank you, Dina and Gina. I love you for trying. I really do wish I had listened to you.)
But I didn't listen. I wanted to believe that love was enough, and that if we tried hard enough, it would work out.
But here's the thing. Dale and I were fundamentally wrong for each other. We could love each other and care for each other, and want to help each other. We could work harder, we could try over and over, but we were never going to be good for each other. Nothing about our life together would ever be healthy.
Learn from my mistakes. Please. I didn't listen when people tried to help me and I paid dearly for that in so many ways. So take this chance to listen to what I learned.
The kind of love you want in your life is NOT this kind. Good love, the kind you build a life around is not THIS hard. It is not a never ending test or an endless marathon. It is more like having a perpetual relaxing yet productive weekend with occasional minor storms to get through.
Good love brings GOOD things. If your relationship is the cause of multiple bad events or losses in your life, pay attention. If the person you are with causes you problems at work, PAY ATTENTION. If the person you are with damages your belongings or steals from you, PAY ATTENTION. I am not saying your should value possessions more than people, I am saying that the person in your life should value YOU enough to respect your property - especially things like your money, your home, your pets, your clothing, your keepsakes. If they do not, PAY ATTENTION.
A good love brings out the best in you. It enhances your good qualities and assets, and minimizes the bad. Someone who is right for you will respect the essence of you. If they ask you to act in ways that are contrary to who you are at your core, PAY ATTENTION. If you start treating the other people in your life worse because the person you are with asks it or demands it, PAY ATTENTION. If your responsibilities, obligations, social engagements, wants, needs and interests are always dismissed, PAY ATTENTION.
A good love will enhance your other relationships, not detract from them. If you have to sacrifice family, especially parents or children, or multiple friendships, if you are spending less and less time with people who are important to you, to be with someone else, THAT RELATIONSHIP IS THE ONE THAT IS WRONG FOR YOU. The people in your life who matter to you - your friends, your family, your parents and your children, will ALWAYS be in YOUR corner, and be looking out FOR YOU. Pay attention. (The one exception is if your friends or family object solely on the basis of racial/religious/cultural/etc. prejudice. On that one, you really do have to decide what is right for you.)
And if you look at the person you're with and think, this person isn't so bad, if we work at this enough, if this person changes x, y, z, etc., pay attention. If those things are fundamental elements of who they are, those things probably won't change. If you don't like the way they treat other people, if they are irresponsible, if they aren't pleasant to be around, if they don't have the same values as you, if they lie or cheat or steal, these things are unlikely to change. If these are problems, these will ALWAYS be problems.
Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that a good relationship won't have any problems, or will never take any sort of compromise or effort. I'm not saying that the moment life isn't a party, you should call it quits and walk away. I'm saying that you should be honest with yourself about what is right and wrong, what is good or bad, what is healthy or unhealthy. Be honest about what is temporary and what is permanent. And think about what you really want your life to be like and if that life is possible with the person you're with. Don't sacrifice what really matters to you if the result isn't worth it. Pay attention.
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