A Dysfunctional Mess, part II
After I posted my last blog story, I thought a lot about what a soulmate really is. The story of Joe and Marilyn's love story was what triggered this line of thought, but I don't see Joe and Marilyn as soulmates. Why not?
The younger me would have seen something in the Joe and Marilyn story. They couldn't or wouldn't let each other go. Joe even thought about Marilyn as he was dying. His last wish was to see her. Isn't that what being soulmates is all about?
No, younger me. It isn't. Philip Seymour Hoffman thought about heroin as he was dying. The last thing he did before he died was reunite with heroin. Does that make heroin his soulmate?
Joe and Marilyn were not soulmates. At best, they were karma mates (Shepard, 2010) - they were two people with unfinished business who had an intense connection and fulfilled some need in their psyches - not souls - together. At worst, they were each other's heroin.
To know what a soulmate is, you have to define what a soul is. I see the soul as the essence of you. Your soul is all the best parts of you. Your soul is your values, your personality, your goals, your dreams, your ideas. Your beliefs. Everything good about you, everything good you want to be. That is your soul.
Your soulmate will complement your soul. Finding your soulmate will make your soul sparkle and shine. Your soul will sing a song so beautiful that everyone around you will hear it and know that your soul is happy.
The problem is that we get mixed messages from our brains and hearts and chemistry, so we don't always understand what our own soul is telling us. Our brains always try to make the best of whatever situation we're in, our hearts can feel real love and genuine emotion for people who are not our soulmates, and passion can make whatever you feel seem more intense, and pleasurable, and therefore perhaps better than it is.
So here are some questions to ask yourself if you are seeking a soulmate and wondering if the person you are with is it:
1. Do you genuinely like this person?
Do you genuinely admire this person? Do you respect this person? When you talk about this person, what kind of words do you use? Are they superlatives like awesome or wonderful? Or are they words like ok, pretty something (nice, decent, etc.). How often do you say something like, if this person would just change this or that? If you wish this person would change things, what are they? Are they superficial things like wear different clothes, or fundamental parts of themselves? If you were out with this person and ran into someone you really looked up to, would you be proud to introduce this person?
If the honest answer to this question is no, then end the relationship. There is no point to being in a relationship with someone you don't actually like.
2. Do you like who you are when you are with this person?
Do you have to do things that don't feel right to you in order to be with this person? Do you have to act in ways that feel wrong to you to keep this person happy? Do you have to lie or behave dishonestly to cover for this person's actions?
If the answer to this question is no, then this person is not your soulmate.
3. Are you a better person when you are with this person?
Your soulmate will elevate your soul. Your soul is the good parts of you, so when you are with your soulmate, the best parts of you will shine through.
If the answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the person you are with brings out your worst qualities instead, definitely re-evaluate this relationship.
4. Is your life better when you are with this person?
Can you trust this person? Does this person steal from you or lie to you? Does this person help solve problems and ease your burdens? Or does this person cause problems and add to your burdens? Does this person cause conflict with your work, your friends or your family? Does this person cause you to shirk responsibilities or obligations? Does this person cause financial issues? Is this person destructive towards your belongings?
If the answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the answer to this question is no, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. This situation is not likely to change.
5. Will your future be brighter with this person?
Imagine the rest of your life with the person you are with right now. If absolutely nothing fundamental changes about this person, could you be truly happy for the rest of your life with the person you are with? Picture what you want the rest of your life to look like, all the dreams you have and your goals. Will the person you are with help you make the future look that way? Will this person help you achieve your goals and help make your dreams for your future come true? Do you share common interests that you can build a future upon? Are these interests healthy? Sharing a common interest in things like alcohol or drugs will not make your future brighter.
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have definitely not found your soulmate.
6. Does this person love (or at least like) the people you love?
Is the person you are with kind to your family members and your friends, especially your parents or kids? Does this person show a genuine interest in getting to know the people who are important to you? Does the person you are with show an interest in being part of your family or being with your friends? Does this person act superior to your family or friends or talk negatively about them? Does this person speak respectfully to and about your friends and family? Does this person act abusively in any way to your friends or family? Does this person speak condescendingly about your friends or family or talk negatively about them to others?
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have most definitely not found your soulmate. If the honest answer is no, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who can't accept the people you love? If you stay in this relationship, you will constantly be in conflict, and that will ultimately destroy your soul. A healthy relationship will not cause you to have to choose between the relationship and the important people in your life.
7. Do the people you love love (or at least like) this person?
Oddly, other people will often have a better sense of what is really right for you, and definitely who is wrong for you, than you do. People will see the person you are with much more clearly than you do. The people who love you want you to be truly happy and have a healthy relationship, and they will often sense what is not right for you long before you do. Pay attention to what people are telling you, especially if they are warning you against this person. There is probably something to it, especially if multiple people are saying it.
If the person you are with is your soulmate, it will not take take a lot of effort for the people around you to see it. It will not take many weeks or months, and definitely not years, before your friends and family accept this person and welcome this person into your life.
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the honest answer to this question is no, you should definitely reconsider this relationship, unless the reason for their feelings is solely based on some kind of prejudice. Remember that the people you love have your best interests at heart. They want you to be happy. If they have objections to the person you are with, that probably means that you won't be happy with this person.
Remember that a relationship should be mutual. The person you are with should be able to answer yes to these questions about you too!
People won't always find their soulmate, and that is ok. You can have a good life with someone who isn't, as long as enough of the answers to these questions, especially the most important questions, is yes or at least not a definite no, and the relationship is healthy (see my last post).
If you are not with your soulmate and the relationship is not healthy, GET OUT. There is absolutely no good reason to be with that person.
Shepherd, J. (2010). A love alchemist's handbook: Magical secrets for drawing your true love into your life. St. Paul, MN: Llewellyn.
The younger me would have seen something in the Joe and Marilyn story. They couldn't or wouldn't let each other go. Joe even thought about Marilyn as he was dying. His last wish was to see her. Isn't that what being soulmates is all about?
No, younger me. It isn't. Philip Seymour Hoffman thought about heroin as he was dying. The last thing he did before he died was reunite with heroin. Does that make heroin his soulmate?
Joe and Marilyn were not soulmates. At best, they were karma mates (Shepard, 2010) - they were two people with unfinished business who had an intense connection and fulfilled some need in their psyches - not souls - together. At worst, they were each other's heroin.
To know what a soulmate is, you have to define what a soul is. I see the soul as the essence of you. Your soul is all the best parts of you. Your soul is your values, your personality, your goals, your dreams, your ideas. Your beliefs. Everything good about you, everything good you want to be. That is your soul.
Your soulmate will complement your soul. Finding your soulmate will make your soul sparkle and shine. Your soul will sing a song so beautiful that everyone around you will hear it and know that your soul is happy.
The problem is that we get mixed messages from our brains and hearts and chemistry, so we don't always understand what our own soul is telling us. Our brains always try to make the best of whatever situation we're in, our hearts can feel real love and genuine emotion for people who are not our soulmates, and passion can make whatever you feel seem more intense, and pleasurable, and therefore perhaps better than it is.
So here are some questions to ask yourself if you are seeking a soulmate and wondering if the person you are with is it:
1. Do you genuinely like this person?
Do you genuinely admire this person? Do you respect this person? When you talk about this person, what kind of words do you use? Are they superlatives like awesome or wonderful? Or are they words like ok, pretty something (nice, decent, etc.). How often do you say something like, if this person would just change this or that? If you wish this person would change things, what are they? Are they superficial things like wear different clothes, or fundamental parts of themselves? If you were out with this person and ran into someone you really looked up to, would you be proud to introduce this person?
If the honest answer to this question is no, then end the relationship. There is no point to being in a relationship with someone you don't actually like.
2. Do you like who you are when you are with this person?
Do you have to do things that don't feel right to you in order to be with this person? Do you have to act in ways that feel wrong to you to keep this person happy? Do you have to lie or behave dishonestly to cover for this person's actions?
If the answer to this question is no, then this person is not your soulmate.
3. Are you a better person when you are with this person?
Your soulmate will elevate your soul. Your soul is the good parts of you, so when you are with your soulmate, the best parts of you will shine through.
If the answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the person you are with brings out your worst qualities instead, definitely re-evaluate this relationship.
4. Is your life better when you are with this person?
Can you trust this person? Does this person steal from you or lie to you? Does this person help solve problems and ease your burdens? Or does this person cause problems and add to your burdens? Does this person cause conflict with your work, your friends or your family? Does this person cause you to shirk responsibilities or obligations? Does this person cause financial issues? Is this person destructive towards your belongings?
If the answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the answer to this question is no, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. This situation is not likely to change.
5. Will your future be brighter with this person?
Imagine the rest of your life with the person you are with right now. If absolutely nothing fundamental changes about this person, could you be truly happy for the rest of your life with the person you are with? Picture what you want the rest of your life to look like, all the dreams you have and your goals. Will the person you are with help you make the future look that way? Will this person help you achieve your goals and help make your dreams for your future come true? Do you share common interests that you can build a future upon? Are these interests healthy? Sharing a common interest in things like alcohol or drugs will not make your future brighter.
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have definitely not found your soulmate.
6. Does this person love (or at least like) the people you love?
Is the person you are with kind to your family members and your friends, especially your parents or kids? Does this person show a genuine interest in getting to know the people who are important to you? Does the person you are with show an interest in being part of your family or being with your friends? Does this person act superior to your family or friends or talk negatively about them? Does this person speak respectfully to and about your friends and family? Does this person act abusively in any way to your friends or family? Does this person speak condescendingly about your friends or family or talk negatively about them to others?
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have most definitely not found your soulmate. If the honest answer is no, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who can't accept the people you love? If you stay in this relationship, you will constantly be in conflict, and that will ultimately destroy your soul. A healthy relationship will not cause you to have to choose between the relationship and the important people in your life.
7. Do the people you love love (or at least like) this person?
Oddly, other people will often have a better sense of what is really right for you, and definitely who is wrong for you, than you do. People will see the person you are with much more clearly than you do. The people who love you want you to be truly happy and have a healthy relationship, and they will often sense what is not right for you long before you do. Pay attention to what people are telling you, especially if they are warning you against this person. There is probably something to it, especially if multiple people are saying it.
If the person you are with is your soulmate, it will not take take a lot of effort for the people around you to see it. It will not take many weeks or months, and definitely not years, before your friends and family accept this person and welcome this person into your life.
If the honest answer to this question is no, you have not found your soulmate. If the honest answer to this question is no, you should definitely reconsider this relationship, unless the reason for their feelings is solely based on some kind of prejudice. Remember that the people you love have your best interests at heart. They want you to be happy. If they have objections to the person you are with, that probably means that you won't be happy with this person.
Remember that a relationship should be mutual. The person you are with should be able to answer yes to these questions about you too!
People won't always find their soulmate, and that is ok. You can have a good life with someone who isn't, as long as enough of the answers to these questions, especially the most important questions, is yes or at least not a definite no, and the relationship is healthy (see my last post).
If you are not with your soulmate and the relationship is not healthy, GET OUT. There is absolutely no good reason to be with that person.
Shepherd, J. (2010). A love alchemist's handbook: Magical secrets for drawing your true love into your life. St. Paul, MN: Llewellyn.
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