Today is Independence Day, and most people in our country are already deep in celebration. For the first time since I was in college, I can say that I am truly independent, and most of the time, I feel that I can celebrate that. Unfortunately, for the last few weeks, I have not found much to celebrate.
These two weeks have been the most disheartening since I have started this project, and I find myself more discouraged than I have been in a very long time. There have been some incidents that I can identify that have really had an impact, and the anniversary of Dale's death is coming up, which I am sure has something to do with it. Mostly, though, I am just generally feeling discouraged. I have been trying to think positively for far too long, with no tangible benefit. I am out of optimism and need a new supply.
I was talking to a friend about my new recipe day project, which is, to me, one of the most important parts of this project, because it encompasses a lot of what I consider critical components. It is the part of the project that forces me to be creative and share a part of me with someone else. It is helping me build a new skill and push my boundaries, and take me out of my comfort zone to a certain extent. I don't know that I've really talked about this a lot, but another part of this part of the project is that this is something I did before, years ago. In some ways, I think I am trying to get back to who I was then, because when I did this before, I actually felt really good about where and who I was. I was feeling strong and confident, and I remember being happy. I think that was the last time I truly felt that way. I want to feel at least a little bit of that again.
Anyway, so I was talking to my friend about new recipe day and that I was having trouble finding a human to share it with me this week. She asked me if I really thought it was a good idea to have to share with someone in this project, she suggested taking dance classes instead, and also was somewhat opposed to my choices for guests. I know she meant well, she didn't mean to be overly critical, and she even made some good points (to be honest, it IS hard to convince people to come all the way out here for a meal. That is a serious drawback to this part of the project.) However, it was hard to not take the criticism personally. This project, and in particular, this part of the project, is very important to me. I am doing this for very carefully considered reasons, and it not something I can or want to just substitute with some other activity. Especially dancing. One of the reasons I chose this is because I want to develop a skill. I want to actually get better at this over time. No matter how many dance classes I take, I will never develop dancing as a skill. That is absolutely hopeless - I certainly don't want to engage in an activity that will just make me feel even worse about myself as time goes on. Plus, I can't afford it and where would these dance classes happen? It's not like there is a dance studio down the street.
The second "incident" were actually two different conversations with two different people in which I mentioned that I still have some lingering anger about things that happened in my past - mostly, about decisions other people made about MY life, and how it is still impacting my life now. Both of these people reacted with the opinion that this wasn't healthy and that I "can't" feel that way. This made me feel like there is something wrong with me, and I felt awful about myself. However, I don't think I'm abnormal or anything. I think anyone who has been through what I have, with my ex-husband and then with Dale, would still have anger, especially since their decisions about things that directly impacted me, has resulted in my life being completely different from what I want, and resulted in the loss of so much of what I truly valued - and their decisions continue to impact me in very negative ways. It is not like I dwell on anger. It is not like anger controls everything I do or every decision I make. And it doesn't even mean I haven't forgiven them. It is just like what I said to both of these people: Sometimes, something happens in my life or I encounter an obstacle from my past that reminds me I am still dealing with these problems because someone else made a decision about my life and my future without my consent or my input, and I am angry about it. I am dealing with things the best I can and making the best of things the way they are; I am just occasionally angry that this is more difficult than it should be or had to be. I personally feel that everyone would feel the same way I do, except they wouldn't call it anger; I am just honest enough with myself and with everyone else to acknowledge the feeling. For anyone reading this, please give me feedback on this.
The third incident has to do with "The Guy." Last weekend (not the weekend just past, but the weekend before), "The Guy" gave me some wildly and dramatically mixed signals, and I went to work last Monday with my heart a little bit (ok, a lot) bruised again. So I was talking with a friend about it, and the friend gave me advice: to try to figure out why I continue to be attracted to guys who engage in certain behavior and try to find a way to be attracted to another type - and to try online dating. Once again, the advice is reasonable, and well-meant, and again, it made me feel bad about myself, and again, like something is wrong with me. Especially because I tried to explain to my friend that I absolutely know why I am so much in love with "The Guy" - more in love with him than I ever was with Dale, maybe even my ex. I didn't really word things well or explain it during the conversation with my friend, but I do know why I am in love with him - he is interesting, we share similar interests, we always have things to talk about, we have a good time together, he makes me laugh, we have incredible chemistry (or at least, I feel incredible chemistry when I'm with him) - and a lot of other reasons, but you get the idea. When I was talking with my friend, I only got to the interesting part, and my friend said something like, "And is that more important than having a man treat you respectfully or take care of you?" And then we were interrupted and the conversation sort of ended there. And I felt really bad again, and again felt like there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way, and I know that was not my friend's intention. But I can't really explain how wonderful it was with "The Guy" when we were together, how incredibly nice it was to be with someone who didn't put me down for liking to read (both my ex and Dale did), or to be belittled for my education and career choice (which both my ex and Dale did), and to be with someone who enjoys so many of the things I enjoy, like playing word games or bowling (neither Dale nor my ex enjoyed those things, although my ex did enjoy cribbage...and Dale enjoyed some board games), and who enjoys walks with the dogs (again, neither Dale nor my ex would do that with me). And to have all of that in a guy I was incredibly attracted to was just another bonus. I didn't say or even think that a guy being interesting was more important than being treated respectfully, I just don't think there's anything wrong with me for wanting these things. And I don't think there's anything wrong with me for not wanting less than this - I don't want someone whose ONLY attractive quality is that he will treat me respectfully. I want "The Guy" and I want him to treat me well. That's where there is something of a problem, since "The Guy" seems to have other ideas. In lieu of "The Guy," I want everything I had with "The Guy" AND be treated well, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And I don't want to do online dating. I just don't.
Anyway, so that's why I had a bad two weeks. As far as the goals go, there have been problems there, too. I have not been walking the dogs very much since it is so incredibly hot. The dogs think they want to walk, but as soon as we get started, they want to go home, and so do I. Hopefully, the heat will break soon. I have not been writing, I am suffering from a serious case of writer's block. On the upside, I did do new recipe day this weekend, but my parents were the audience, and I don't know that their opinion is very impartial, although slightly more reliable than the dogs. Here is what I made:
Chicken enchilada casserole: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/chicken-enchilada-casserole-ii/
Cucumber yogurt salad: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/cucumber_yogurt_salad/
Along with baked seasoned red potatoes with salsa con queso. Everyone seemed happy with the meal.
Also on the upside, I have made real progress with the reduction in soda intake. A few days over the last two weeks, I went off course, but mostly, I have done pretty well.
Hopefully, I can get on a more positive track next week. If anyone reading this has any optimism to spare, please send some my way! I can use all the help I can get right now. Until next week, thanks for listening, or more accurately, reading.
These two weeks have been the most disheartening since I have started this project, and I find myself more discouraged than I have been in a very long time. There have been some incidents that I can identify that have really had an impact, and the anniversary of Dale's death is coming up, which I am sure has something to do with it. Mostly, though, I am just generally feeling discouraged. I have been trying to think positively for far too long, with no tangible benefit. I am out of optimism and need a new supply.
I was talking to a friend about my new recipe day project, which is, to me, one of the most important parts of this project, because it encompasses a lot of what I consider critical components. It is the part of the project that forces me to be creative and share a part of me with someone else. It is helping me build a new skill and push my boundaries, and take me out of my comfort zone to a certain extent. I don't know that I've really talked about this a lot, but another part of this part of the project is that this is something I did before, years ago. In some ways, I think I am trying to get back to who I was then, because when I did this before, I actually felt really good about where and who I was. I was feeling strong and confident, and I remember being happy. I think that was the last time I truly felt that way. I want to feel at least a little bit of that again.
Anyway, so I was talking to my friend about new recipe day and that I was having trouble finding a human to share it with me this week. She asked me if I really thought it was a good idea to have to share with someone in this project, she suggested taking dance classes instead, and also was somewhat opposed to my choices for guests. I know she meant well, she didn't mean to be overly critical, and she even made some good points (to be honest, it IS hard to convince people to come all the way out here for a meal. That is a serious drawback to this part of the project.) However, it was hard to not take the criticism personally. This project, and in particular, this part of the project, is very important to me. I am doing this for very carefully considered reasons, and it not something I can or want to just substitute with some other activity. Especially dancing. One of the reasons I chose this is because I want to develop a skill. I want to actually get better at this over time. No matter how many dance classes I take, I will never develop dancing as a skill. That is absolutely hopeless - I certainly don't want to engage in an activity that will just make me feel even worse about myself as time goes on. Plus, I can't afford it and where would these dance classes happen? It's not like there is a dance studio down the street.
The second "incident" were actually two different conversations with two different people in which I mentioned that I still have some lingering anger about things that happened in my past - mostly, about decisions other people made about MY life, and how it is still impacting my life now. Both of these people reacted with the opinion that this wasn't healthy and that I "can't" feel that way. This made me feel like there is something wrong with me, and I felt awful about myself. However, I don't think I'm abnormal or anything. I think anyone who has been through what I have, with my ex-husband and then with Dale, would still have anger, especially since their decisions about things that directly impacted me, has resulted in my life being completely different from what I want, and resulted in the loss of so much of what I truly valued - and their decisions continue to impact me in very negative ways. It is not like I dwell on anger. It is not like anger controls everything I do or every decision I make. And it doesn't even mean I haven't forgiven them. It is just like what I said to both of these people: Sometimes, something happens in my life or I encounter an obstacle from my past that reminds me I am still dealing with these problems because someone else made a decision about my life and my future without my consent or my input, and I am angry about it. I am dealing with things the best I can and making the best of things the way they are; I am just occasionally angry that this is more difficult than it should be or had to be. I personally feel that everyone would feel the same way I do, except they wouldn't call it anger; I am just honest enough with myself and with everyone else to acknowledge the feeling. For anyone reading this, please give me feedback on this.
The third incident has to do with "The Guy." Last weekend (not the weekend just past, but the weekend before), "The Guy" gave me some wildly and dramatically mixed signals, and I went to work last Monday with my heart a little bit (ok, a lot) bruised again. So I was talking with a friend about it, and the friend gave me advice: to try to figure out why I continue to be attracted to guys who engage in certain behavior and try to find a way to be attracted to another type - and to try online dating. Once again, the advice is reasonable, and well-meant, and again, it made me feel bad about myself, and again, like something is wrong with me. Especially because I tried to explain to my friend that I absolutely know why I am so much in love with "The Guy" - more in love with him than I ever was with Dale, maybe even my ex. I didn't really word things well or explain it during the conversation with my friend, but I do know why I am in love with him - he is interesting, we share similar interests, we always have things to talk about, we have a good time together, he makes me laugh, we have incredible chemistry (or at least, I feel incredible chemistry when I'm with him) - and a lot of other reasons, but you get the idea. When I was talking with my friend, I only got to the interesting part, and my friend said something like, "And is that more important than having a man treat you respectfully or take care of you?" And then we were interrupted and the conversation sort of ended there. And I felt really bad again, and again felt like there must be something wrong with me for feeling this way, and I know that was not my friend's intention. But I can't really explain how wonderful it was with "The Guy" when we were together, how incredibly nice it was to be with someone who didn't put me down for liking to read (both my ex and Dale did), or to be belittled for my education and career choice (which both my ex and Dale did), and to be with someone who enjoys so many of the things I enjoy, like playing word games or bowling (neither Dale nor my ex enjoyed those things, although my ex did enjoy cribbage...and Dale enjoyed some board games), and who enjoys walks with the dogs (again, neither Dale nor my ex would do that with me). And to have all of that in a guy I was incredibly attracted to was just another bonus. I didn't say or even think that a guy being interesting was more important than being treated respectfully, I just don't think there's anything wrong with me for wanting these things. And I don't think there's anything wrong with me for not wanting less than this - I don't want someone whose ONLY attractive quality is that he will treat me respectfully. I want "The Guy" and I want him to treat me well. That's where there is something of a problem, since "The Guy" seems to have other ideas. In lieu of "The Guy," I want everything I had with "The Guy" AND be treated well, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. And I don't want to do online dating. I just don't.
Anyway, so that's why I had a bad two weeks. As far as the goals go, there have been problems there, too. I have not been walking the dogs very much since it is so incredibly hot. The dogs think they want to walk, but as soon as we get started, they want to go home, and so do I. Hopefully, the heat will break soon. I have not been writing, I am suffering from a serious case of writer's block. On the upside, I did do new recipe day this weekend, but my parents were the audience, and I don't know that their opinion is very impartial, although slightly more reliable than the dogs. Here is what I made:
Chicken enchilada casserole: http://allrecipes.com/recipe/chicken-enchilada-casserole-ii/
Cucumber yogurt salad: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/cucumber_yogurt_salad/
Along with baked seasoned red potatoes with salsa con queso. Everyone seemed happy with the meal.
Also on the upside, I have made real progress with the reduction in soda intake. A few days over the last two weeks, I went off course, but mostly, I have done pretty well.
Hopefully, I can get on a more positive track next week. If anyone reading this has any optimism to spare, please send some my way! I can use all the help I can get right now. Until next week, thanks for listening, or more accurately, reading.
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