After a couple of glasses of wine last night, I've decided to do something that is really very brave or maybe really stupid, or maybe a little bit of both.
Also last night, I bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's and ate half of one of the pints. I haven't indulged in wine AND B&J in...ever. One or the other, yes. Never both in one night. And I haven't needed a night with my friends Ben and Jerry in years.
So what was the reason for my sudden desire for really expensive yet delicious ice cream? Of course, it is "The Guy." Unless a miracle happens within the next few days, he is moving, and when he leaves, any hope for things to change with us will leave, too. For me, this is yet another loss in a decade full of them. I will now have lost my marriage, three pets, several friends, four or five jobs - some that I really, really liked - two homes, and my credit. I've had to move from the city that I loved and all of my friends there. Then, I was threatened and harassed by Dale's girlfriend, which only ended with Dale's death. And now, I am losing my best friend in this town, and the guy I've been in love with for the last year and a half.
Those of you who know me know that when I moved here, I was not in a good place. The relationship I had with Dale left complete chaos and devastation in its wake; my life was a mess and so was I. Then "The Guy" moved in down the street and I got to know him, and for a while, we had a great time with each other. And I started to think, this is it. This is why I ended up here, so I could meet this great guy. It seemed like that had to be the answer - what are the chances really, that in a town like this, two single people end up here at the same time, and those two people have great chemistry, similar interests, enjoy each other, and then, what are the chances those two single people AREN'T supposed to be together? Even after we broke up, for lack of a better word, I still believed this had to be the answer, and that somehow, we would end up back together. There were plenty of moments, even very recently, that gave me some hope that it might happen.
Now, it seems that I have to really accept that this wasn't the answer after all, so I'm left wondering why. Why is this is where I'm supposed to be? I'm not seeing it. So far it seems that I went through all of the loss, sadness, disappointment, pain and sacrifice so I can be here, alone, in this town that I don't quite hate but don't really like either, after working at the job I really do like but that doesn't quite pay enough to make ends meet and is worlds away from paying enough for me to get ahead. And be able to think to myself, hey, at least your boyfriend isn't sitting on your couch, drinking beer he paid for by stealing from your bank account, on the phone with the girl he's cheating on you with, making plans that don't include doing anything at all to contribute to our household. So, yeah. I have to admit, this life is better, a lot better, than that one was.
It took me a long time to get over the sick, cold dread every time I pulled into a gas station or stood in line at the store and to stop wondering if my card would be declined and what in the world I would do if it was - That happened so often when I was with Dale that it became part of my everyday consciousness. To this day, if it takes a little longer for the card to go through, I still get panicky, and I still feel this incredible sense of relief every time the card works and I can fill my tank or buy my groceries. Yes, this is better than the unrelenting stress that the last few years that made up the last years with Dale. It is. This is a better place. Someday, though, I would really love to be in a much better place than just better than THAT. I mean, better than THAT should be a given, not something to be happy about.
So, those were the thoughts going through my head last night while I was hanging with Ben & Jerry. And what was the brave/stupid/both thing I decided to do? I decided to listen to the gum dream...I wrote a letter to "The Guy" on Tuesday after he told me he was moving and I decided to actually give it to him. I don't think it can or will make a difference at this point - and I doubt if he wants to hear it - but one of my goals is to take emotional risks...and one of the things I actually said in the letter that I didn't think I would give him, is that I am strong enough to stand up for what I want. In the letter, I was talking about small things. But as I was rereading the letter, I thought to myself, why can I be strong enough to stand up for what I want when it is something small, but not when it is something important, something that I really want? So I decided this is something I really want, and I should stand up for it enough to give "The Guy" a letter I already wrote. I won't be any worse off than I am now, right? Of course, I haven't actually given him the letter yet, so I could still chicken out.
As far as the other goals go: New recipe day happened last week. I made a cheeseburger pie, and it was successful. My parents brought the leftovers home, and they tell me that my brother really liked it, too. I also made my famous won ton wrapped cheese curds, and those were extremely popular. I have been walking the dogs more regularly again, and have kept on track pretty well with the soda intake. I did not get the birthday gifts for my godson and his sister, and I won't be able to now until the end of August, but I still fully intend to do that...maybe I will get them fabulous Christmas gifts or something.
Until next week, thanks for reading!
P.S.: Had a chance to give him the letter. Chickened out. I foresee some wine with dinner and another date with B&J.
Also last night, I bought two pints of Ben & Jerry's and ate half of one of the pints. I haven't indulged in wine AND B&J in...ever. One or the other, yes. Never both in one night. And I haven't needed a night with my friends Ben and Jerry in years.
So what was the reason for my sudden desire for really expensive yet delicious ice cream? Of course, it is "The Guy." Unless a miracle happens within the next few days, he is moving, and when he leaves, any hope for things to change with us will leave, too. For me, this is yet another loss in a decade full of them. I will now have lost my marriage, three pets, several friends, four or five jobs - some that I really, really liked - two homes, and my credit. I've had to move from the city that I loved and all of my friends there. Then, I was threatened and harassed by Dale's girlfriend, which only ended with Dale's death. And now, I am losing my best friend in this town, and the guy I've been in love with for the last year and a half.
Those of you who know me know that when I moved here, I was not in a good place. The relationship I had with Dale left complete chaos and devastation in its wake; my life was a mess and so was I. Then "The Guy" moved in down the street and I got to know him, and for a while, we had a great time with each other. And I started to think, this is it. This is why I ended up here, so I could meet this great guy. It seemed like that had to be the answer - what are the chances really, that in a town like this, two single people end up here at the same time, and those two people have great chemistry, similar interests, enjoy each other, and then, what are the chances those two single people AREN'T supposed to be together? Even after we broke up, for lack of a better word, I still believed this had to be the answer, and that somehow, we would end up back together. There were plenty of moments, even very recently, that gave me some hope that it might happen.
Now, it seems that I have to really accept that this wasn't the answer after all, so I'm left wondering why. Why is this is where I'm supposed to be? I'm not seeing it. So far it seems that I went through all of the loss, sadness, disappointment, pain and sacrifice so I can be here, alone, in this town that I don't quite hate but don't really like either, after working at the job I really do like but that doesn't quite pay enough to make ends meet and is worlds away from paying enough for me to get ahead. And be able to think to myself, hey, at least your boyfriend isn't sitting on your couch, drinking beer he paid for by stealing from your bank account, on the phone with the girl he's cheating on you with, making plans that don't include doing anything at all to contribute to our household. So, yeah. I have to admit, this life is better, a lot better, than that one was.
It took me a long time to get over the sick, cold dread every time I pulled into a gas station or stood in line at the store and to stop wondering if my card would be declined and what in the world I would do if it was - That happened so often when I was with Dale that it became part of my everyday consciousness. To this day, if it takes a little longer for the card to go through, I still get panicky, and I still feel this incredible sense of relief every time the card works and I can fill my tank or buy my groceries. Yes, this is better than the unrelenting stress that the last few years that made up the last years with Dale. It is. This is a better place. Someday, though, I would really love to be in a much better place than just better than THAT. I mean, better than THAT should be a given, not something to be happy about.
So, those were the thoughts going through my head last night while I was hanging with Ben & Jerry. And what was the brave/stupid/both thing I decided to do? I decided to listen to the gum dream...I wrote a letter to "The Guy" on Tuesday after he told me he was moving and I decided to actually give it to him. I don't think it can or will make a difference at this point - and I doubt if he wants to hear it - but one of my goals is to take emotional risks...and one of the things I actually said in the letter that I didn't think I would give him, is that I am strong enough to stand up for what I want. In the letter, I was talking about small things. But as I was rereading the letter, I thought to myself, why can I be strong enough to stand up for what I want when it is something small, but not when it is something important, something that I really want? So I decided this is something I really want, and I should stand up for it enough to give "The Guy" a letter I already wrote. I won't be any worse off than I am now, right? Of course, I haven't actually given him the letter yet, so I could still chicken out.
As far as the other goals go: New recipe day happened last week. I made a cheeseburger pie, and it was successful. My parents brought the leftovers home, and they tell me that my brother really liked it, too. I also made my famous won ton wrapped cheese curds, and those were extremely popular. I have been walking the dogs more regularly again, and have kept on track pretty well with the soda intake. I did not get the birthday gifts for my godson and his sister, and I won't be able to now until the end of August, but I still fully intend to do that...maybe I will get them fabulous Christmas gifts or something.
Until next week, thanks for reading!
P.S.: Had a chance to give him the letter. Chickened out. I foresee some wine with dinner and another date with B&J.
Comments
Post a Comment