You know how when you want nothing more than to sleep at midnight and all of a sudden, something clicks in your brain and you can't stop crying instead?
I wish I didn't.
I don't know about you, but when I cry like this, I can't stop shivering. It doesn't matter what the temperature is, I shiver like I'm camping on a glacier or something.
So, here it is. It's like 12:30 in the morning. I've been up since about 8:30 this morning, had a super long day and I'm in a fairly nice hotel with a really nice king size bed. And I'm shivering in pajamas getting all dehydrated from the teary thing with a stuffy nose. Yay, vacation.
I never published my last blog post, so in a nutshell...I'm an idiot and fell in love with The Boy again. We'd been sort of almost together since January and then about a month ago, he dumped me. Again. And broke my heart. Again.
So what's up tonight? I spent much of today with psuedostepdaughter #1 (P). Which is wonderful. I love spending time with her. But in doing so, I had to be in the house. I knew I would have to be and I knew it would be hard. And I sort of made it through it ok, until now, when a picture of the bed flashed into my head. We picked out that bed together.
When he broke up with me, he said something about how he was forced into this relationship-ish thing with me because P insisted on it. He really wants to believe, and wants me to believe, that that was all it was. But I know it wasn't just that. There was so much more. We picked out a bed together.
I know, you might be thinking, that is just one example, and if that one thing was the only meaningful thing that happened in nine months, then...
But it wasn't it. It is just the meaningful thing that crossed my mind and made me cry today. Trust me, there have been other things that crossed my mind and made me cry, oh, pretty much every day since we broke up.
Adding to the mix today, I am also angry. Since I don't usually get angry enough to mention it, but I am now and I'm awake anyway, I'll just share the story with you.
When The Boy broke up with me, he said that "someone" said to him that I'm different (not in a good way), that I'm too different from him. The Boy wouldn't tell me who this someone is, but I mentioned it to P that I would really like to know. P thinks she knows but she isn't sure. But she thinks it is DIB (Dude in the Basement) and she thinks it is him because when she talked to him about me at one point, he said that I was "too clingy" and some other unflattering things.
Ok, first the irony. DIB lives in the basement, only pays rent once in awhile, and dominates virtually all of The Boy's time and has even texted him to ask him to come home so they can watch tv together, but I'M clingy. Ok. Second, the bitter part of this, I've cooked for this guy, left enormous quantities of leftovers for him that I knew he would like, have picked out things at the grocery store specifically for this guy, and even pointed out some good attributes to P when she has been frustrated with him. Which has been pretty often.
But I digress...
I live four hours away. I have my own house and a career. I spend most of my time living my own life. I didn't know what The Boy was doing, where he was or who he was with for like 98% of most days. When I did talk to him, I didn't interrogate him about any of that, either. When I was visiting, he could and would disappear for long stretches of time, sometimes to do stuff away from home, sometimes hanging with DIB, and sometimes I would spend hours shopping with P, and it was all cool with me. I knew he was in contact with his ex, and I accepted it. He went places that I would have wanted to be invited to, like a friend's wedding, but when I wasn't, I accepted that too. I never once touched his phone other than to hand it to him if it was ringing and I was closer to it. I would have liked at least a little bit of conversation every day, and I guess I did try to initiate it on a daily basis, but never insisted that it had to happen.
I do NOT know what I could have done to be less clingy. I mean, seriously. I know a lot of girls and most of them would not have been cool with how loose this relationship was. I am quite honestly floored that I was described as clingy in this case. I think, if he honestly thinks that THIS is clingy, he is going to be very surprised when he meets, like, any other female in the world.
Oh, and if The Boy was actually influenced by this and really sees ME as clingy, then I am SUPER PISSED at him, too. He knows clingy and THIS DIDN'T EVEN COME CLOSE.
Anyway, I'm going to give that sleeping thing a shot again. But you all might hear from me again sooner than any of us wants. :-)
Have a better night than mine.
I wish I didn't.
I don't know about you, but when I cry like this, I can't stop shivering. It doesn't matter what the temperature is, I shiver like I'm camping on a glacier or something.
So, here it is. It's like 12:30 in the morning. I've been up since about 8:30 this morning, had a super long day and I'm in a fairly nice hotel with a really nice king size bed. And I'm shivering in pajamas getting all dehydrated from the teary thing with a stuffy nose. Yay, vacation.
I never published my last blog post, so in a nutshell...I'm an idiot and fell in love with The Boy again. We'd been sort of almost together since January and then about a month ago, he dumped me. Again. And broke my heart. Again.
So what's up tonight? I spent much of today with psuedostepdaughter #1 (P). Which is wonderful. I love spending time with her. But in doing so, I had to be in the house. I knew I would have to be and I knew it would be hard. And I sort of made it through it ok, until now, when a picture of the bed flashed into my head. We picked out that bed together.
When he broke up with me, he said something about how he was forced into this relationship-ish thing with me because P insisted on it. He really wants to believe, and wants me to believe, that that was all it was. But I know it wasn't just that. There was so much more. We picked out a bed together.
I know, you might be thinking, that is just one example, and if that one thing was the only meaningful thing that happened in nine months, then...
But it wasn't it. It is just the meaningful thing that crossed my mind and made me cry today. Trust me, there have been other things that crossed my mind and made me cry, oh, pretty much every day since we broke up.
Adding to the mix today, I am also angry. Since I don't usually get angry enough to mention it, but I am now and I'm awake anyway, I'll just share the story with you.
When The Boy broke up with me, he said that "someone" said to him that I'm different (not in a good way), that I'm too different from him. The Boy wouldn't tell me who this someone is, but I mentioned it to P that I would really like to know. P thinks she knows but she isn't sure. But she thinks it is DIB (Dude in the Basement) and she thinks it is him because when she talked to him about me at one point, he said that I was "too clingy" and some other unflattering things.
Ok, first the irony. DIB lives in the basement, only pays rent once in awhile, and dominates virtually all of The Boy's time and has even texted him to ask him to come home so they can watch tv together, but I'M clingy. Ok. Second, the bitter part of this, I've cooked for this guy, left enormous quantities of leftovers for him that I knew he would like, have picked out things at the grocery store specifically for this guy, and even pointed out some good attributes to P when she has been frustrated with him. Which has been pretty often.
But I digress...
I live four hours away. I have my own house and a career. I spend most of my time living my own life. I didn't know what The Boy was doing, where he was or who he was with for like 98% of most days. When I did talk to him, I didn't interrogate him about any of that, either. When I was visiting, he could and would disappear for long stretches of time, sometimes to do stuff away from home, sometimes hanging with DIB, and sometimes I would spend hours shopping with P, and it was all cool with me. I knew he was in contact with his ex, and I accepted it. He went places that I would have wanted to be invited to, like a friend's wedding, but when I wasn't, I accepted that too. I never once touched his phone other than to hand it to him if it was ringing and I was closer to it. I would have liked at least a little bit of conversation every day, and I guess I did try to initiate it on a daily basis, but never insisted that it had to happen.
I do NOT know what I could have done to be less clingy. I mean, seriously. I know a lot of girls and most of them would not have been cool with how loose this relationship was. I am quite honestly floored that I was described as clingy in this case. I think, if he honestly thinks that THIS is clingy, he is going to be very surprised when he meets, like, any other female in the world.
Oh, and if The Boy was actually influenced by this and really sees ME as clingy, then I am SUPER PISSED at him, too. He knows clingy and THIS DIDN'T EVEN COME CLOSE.
Anyway, I'm going to give that sleeping thing a shot again. But you all might hear from me again sooner than any of us wants. :-)
Have a better night than mine.
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