Another day (or week or two or three) and almost no dollars
I haven't posted for awhile, mostly because there is little to report. The shingles are better, but I haven't done much to get back on track with my goals. I have felt generally uninspired and I have had a hard time finding the energy or enthusiasm for much at all, and for a self improvement project in particular.
It isn't hard for me to figure out why. There are a few obvious reasons for my lack of motivation, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure them out. The trick will be to find ways to get past them and get back on track.
So, I am paid twice monthly, at the middle of the month and the last day of the month. The check at the middle of the moth ends up paying the mortgage and the car payment, and that leaves enough for gas for the car and groceries and that is pretty much it. That means the check at the end of the month has to cover literally everything else that costs money - all bills and expenses that AREN'T the mortgage or car payment as well as more gas and groceries. So, Monday night, I paid bills (electric, phone, cable, insurance, trash pickup, student loan, etc.) and, after figuring in gas and groceries for the next 2 weeks, I had $100 left of my paycheck - sort of, since I kind of ignored the medical bills I need to pay and also ignored the fact that I need to get propane for heat, and that I need to do that soon since it snowed yesterday. I was sort of depressed, but it was ok, right, there was still $100, right? Then as I was getting into bed, I remembered that I skipped the oil change for the car in July, and I really, really have to get the oil change, since I am more than 3,000 miles overdue. I cried, literally cried, for 20 minutes. When I got up in the morning, I remembered again, and cried some more. And all of that was before I got the oil change, and was told that I absolutely had to change the serpentine belt because there was no way that belt would last until my next oil change unless I limit my driving, that it was probably the original belt and it was a miracle that it made it this far - so then I had to figure out what I could cut out of my grocery list to make that possible.
I am so sick of crying for days because of expenses that shouldn't be a big deal. I am so tired not being able to sleep because I am constantly worried about the slightest thing going wrong...I mean, last month with the shingles, what if I had gone grocery shopping BEFORE I went to the doctor - how would I have gotten the medication? I am so tired of coming home on Thursdays and not doing anything at all until Monday morning because I can't afford extra gas.
Even if I could afford the gas, what would I do on weekends, really? I didn't grow up here, I don't have roots here, and that means I don't really have friends here. I have friends at work, but most of those people have boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands or wives, kids...they are busy with their lives on weekends. The few single people I know that I've reached out to haven't seemed receptive.
The one thing I've never wanted my life to be was entirely focused on work. I've always wanted work to be something I did to make my life possible. But now, the only thing I have in my life, except my pets, is work, and that work isn't even making the bare minimum of "living" possible. I don't know how to change that. I don't see any end in sight to my financial issues and I don't really see any solutions. I don't live an extravagant life, so it's not like I can cut out any more expenses, or at least not many that will make much difference. Since I have no money for extra gas, it's not like I can join clubs or groups or go out to anything, anywhere, to meet people, and it's not like there are clubs or groups to join where I live, and my neighbors haven't been all that welcoming, either.
So, I guess, lately I've been having trouble seeing the point of a self-improvement project. I've been working on it for awhile, and I don't feel better about myself or where I am in life, or where my life is going. If anything, at this point, today, I feel worse than I did when I started this project.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up the project. Not at all. I just have to figure out how to be inspired again. Any and all suggestions for this welcome!
It isn't hard for me to figure out why. There are a few obvious reasons for my lack of motivation, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure them out. The trick will be to find ways to get past them and get back on track.
So, I am paid twice monthly, at the middle of the month and the last day of the month. The check at the middle of the moth ends up paying the mortgage and the car payment, and that leaves enough for gas for the car and groceries and that is pretty much it. That means the check at the end of the month has to cover literally everything else that costs money - all bills and expenses that AREN'T the mortgage or car payment as well as more gas and groceries. So, Monday night, I paid bills (electric, phone, cable, insurance, trash pickup, student loan, etc.) and, after figuring in gas and groceries for the next 2 weeks, I had $100 left of my paycheck - sort of, since I kind of ignored the medical bills I need to pay and also ignored the fact that I need to get propane for heat, and that I need to do that soon since it snowed yesterday. I was sort of depressed, but it was ok, right, there was still $100, right? Then as I was getting into bed, I remembered that I skipped the oil change for the car in July, and I really, really have to get the oil change, since I am more than 3,000 miles overdue. I cried, literally cried, for 20 minutes. When I got up in the morning, I remembered again, and cried some more. And all of that was before I got the oil change, and was told that I absolutely had to change the serpentine belt because there was no way that belt would last until my next oil change unless I limit my driving, that it was probably the original belt and it was a miracle that it made it this far - so then I had to figure out what I could cut out of my grocery list to make that possible.
I am so sick of crying for days because of expenses that shouldn't be a big deal. I am so tired not being able to sleep because I am constantly worried about the slightest thing going wrong...I mean, last month with the shingles, what if I had gone grocery shopping BEFORE I went to the doctor - how would I have gotten the medication? I am so tired of coming home on Thursdays and not doing anything at all until Monday morning because I can't afford extra gas.
Even if I could afford the gas, what would I do on weekends, really? I didn't grow up here, I don't have roots here, and that means I don't really have friends here. I have friends at work, but most of those people have boyfriends or girlfriends, husbands or wives, kids...they are busy with their lives on weekends. The few single people I know that I've reached out to haven't seemed receptive.
The one thing I've never wanted my life to be was entirely focused on work. I've always wanted work to be something I did to make my life possible. But now, the only thing I have in my life, except my pets, is work, and that work isn't even making the bare minimum of "living" possible. I don't know how to change that. I don't see any end in sight to my financial issues and I don't really see any solutions. I don't live an extravagant life, so it's not like I can cut out any more expenses, or at least not many that will make much difference. Since I have no money for extra gas, it's not like I can join clubs or groups or go out to anything, anywhere, to meet people, and it's not like there are clubs or groups to join where I live, and my neighbors haven't been all that welcoming, either.
So, I guess, lately I've been having trouble seeing the point of a self-improvement project. I've been working on it for awhile, and I don't feel better about myself or where I am in life, or where my life is going. If anything, at this point, today, I feel worse than I did when I started this project.
That doesn't mean I'm giving up the project. Not at all. I just have to figure out how to be inspired again. Any and all suggestions for this welcome!
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