So, yes. Another bad week for a few reasons. This bad week thing is starting to be a trend, and a trend that needs to change.
It has been a full year since Dale's death. So much has happened since then - sometimes it seems like it couldn't possibly have been only a year; sometimes it seems like it couldn't have been a year already. I am still so conflicted about Dale. I loved him. I loved him very much. But towards the end of our relationship, I think I hated him, too. I was certainly extremely angry with him. By the time I moved out, we were having horrible fights, and they were happening constantly. After I moved, things got better, but the anger has never really completely gone away - I think because I can't forget the reasons WHY I was so angry. So many of the things that I was angry about still directly impact my life and my ability to get back on track. So I am still constantly reminded of everything that happened. But I have also never forgotten how much I loved him either. He had a good heart, and he had so much talent and potential, and it makes me sad, so sad, that he chose alcohol instead and wasted everything he could have been. I am so sad that he wasted all the time he could have had with his son. And I am so sad that his life was cut so short, because I think - or hope- that he could have turned things around. I am sad that he didn't get the chance. I do still miss Dale - I miss the good things that we shared at the beginning. I miss his smile, and I miss the way he could make me laugh. I miss the friends I think we could have been.
Also this week, "The Guy" moved. No miracle happened. And worse yet, I completely chickened out. I never gave him the letter. I don't think it would have made any difference, and he may have been uncomfortable with me afterwards, and we might really not have been able to stay friends. And I do want to stay friends, and it sort of seems that we might. We got together this weekend to go out to a movie, and he has mentioned dinner or getting together for another movie. And that would be good, I definitely don't want to lose him completely.
However, I am disappointed in myself that I did not give him the letter after I decided that I would. So many people urged me to do it, and there were so many reasons to do it. The day he moved, we got together to walk the dogs in the morning, and I had it with me...even up to a few hours before his move, I could have given it to him, but I still chickened out. I couldn't bring myself to take the risk and open myself up that way. And now, I will always wonder if it would have made a difference. I don't THINK it would have, but I will never actually KNOW. And if it would have made the difference I would have hoped for, it might have made an incredibly positive difference in my life.
I am completely in love with "The Guy," but that is on me. He never made any promises or commitments to me, he didn't lie or cheat or anything like that. He doesn't owe me anything- except some framed prints, and he did promise to upholster some furniture for me and also make a shelf. He is moving for his own reasons and because he thinks it is the best thing for him, and although I don't think it will work out for him the way he thinks it will, he needs to do what he thinks is best for him. So I have no anger to motivate me or make me feel stronger while dealing with this disappointment. This time, I am just sad. Will I be able to get past "The Guy"? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
So over the last few days, I have been thinking about all of the losses, disappointments, and heartbreaks I have coped with in the last few years. There have been so many, and I have had to start over, sometimes from further behind than I was when I started, far too often. I keep wondering, will there be a loss or disappointment that I won't be able to get over or one I can't recover from? Will I be able to keeping putting these in perspective and finding valuable lessons in them? Will I keep being able to find comfort in knowing that I am stronger because of it? No matter how strong I am or much effort I put into trying to make myself a better person, or how positive I am, there has to be a limit to how much I can deal with.
If there is a limit, I haven't reached it yet, and despite all of the bad stuff, there are good things going on, and I am trying so hard to focus on those. It is just harder to do right now than it was before. August is a very bad time of the year for me. Obviously, it is the anniversary of Dale's death; it is also the time of year that my ex told me he wanted a divorce, and now, it is when I am losing my only friend in this town. So I am feeling very discouraged now, but it will get better. It will. Soon, I hope. And someday, I would love for August to be the anniversary of something really wonderful instead of the anniversary month of very sad losses.
So obviously, I have a lot of work to do in the upcoming weeks to get back on a positive track. Even I am sick of me feeling sorry for myself. I have decided, though, to put off new recipe days for awhile. I need to save money, since I have to pay for the new ceiling and lights for my living room. Along with some other stuff I decided to do to make the living room a little nicer. So for the next month or so, I am going to focus on the "laugh more" goal. I think that one will really help at this point.
I am doing well again with walking the dogs. We have had very nice weather this week. And I am doing very well with reducing soda. I did write last week, and I will write again later today, but that is another goal I am seriously struggling with, I just can't get past this writer's block at this point. And obviously, I need to take a look at the emotional risk thing. I need to figure out why I am willing to fight for small things, like keeping my own dishes when I was packing and Dale insisted that I should leave them for him, but I wouldn't take the risk when it came to giving "The Guy" the letter. So over the next few weeks, I need to think about that, and figure out what I can do to change that about myself, or at least make myself more likely to fight for myself and what is truly important to me.
Until next week.
It has been a full year since Dale's death. So much has happened since then - sometimes it seems like it couldn't possibly have been only a year; sometimes it seems like it couldn't have been a year already. I am still so conflicted about Dale. I loved him. I loved him very much. But towards the end of our relationship, I think I hated him, too. I was certainly extremely angry with him. By the time I moved out, we were having horrible fights, and they were happening constantly. After I moved, things got better, but the anger has never really completely gone away - I think because I can't forget the reasons WHY I was so angry. So many of the things that I was angry about still directly impact my life and my ability to get back on track. So I am still constantly reminded of everything that happened. But I have also never forgotten how much I loved him either. He had a good heart, and he had so much talent and potential, and it makes me sad, so sad, that he chose alcohol instead and wasted everything he could have been. I am so sad that he wasted all the time he could have had with his son. And I am so sad that his life was cut so short, because I think - or hope- that he could have turned things around. I am sad that he didn't get the chance. I do still miss Dale - I miss the good things that we shared at the beginning. I miss his smile, and I miss the way he could make me laugh. I miss the friends I think we could have been.
Also this week, "The Guy" moved. No miracle happened. And worse yet, I completely chickened out. I never gave him the letter. I don't think it would have made any difference, and he may have been uncomfortable with me afterwards, and we might really not have been able to stay friends. And I do want to stay friends, and it sort of seems that we might. We got together this weekend to go out to a movie, and he has mentioned dinner or getting together for another movie. And that would be good, I definitely don't want to lose him completely.
However, I am disappointed in myself that I did not give him the letter after I decided that I would. So many people urged me to do it, and there were so many reasons to do it. The day he moved, we got together to walk the dogs in the morning, and I had it with me...even up to a few hours before his move, I could have given it to him, but I still chickened out. I couldn't bring myself to take the risk and open myself up that way. And now, I will always wonder if it would have made a difference. I don't THINK it would have, but I will never actually KNOW. And if it would have made the difference I would have hoped for, it might have made an incredibly positive difference in my life.
I am completely in love with "The Guy," but that is on me. He never made any promises or commitments to me, he didn't lie or cheat or anything like that. He doesn't owe me anything- except some framed prints, and he did promise to upholster some furniture for me and also make a shelf. He is moving for his own reasons and because he thinks it is the best thing for him, and although I don't think it will work out for him the way he thinks it will, he needs to do what he thinks is best for him. So I have no anger to motivate me or make me feel stronger while dealing with this disappointment. This time, I am just sad. Will I be able to get past "The Guy"? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.
So over the last few days, I have been thinking about all of the losses, disappointments, and heartbreaks I have coped with in the last few years. There have been so many, and I have had to start over, sometimes from further behind than I was when I started, far too often. I keep wondering, will there be a loss or disappointment that I won't be able to get over or one I can't recover from? Will I be able to keeping putting these in perspective and finding valuable lessons in them? Will I keep being able to find comfort in knowing that I am stronger because of it? No matter how strong I am or much effort I put into trying to make myself a better person, or how positive I am, there has to be a limit to how much I can deal with.
If there is a limit, I haven't reached it yet, and despite all of the bad stuff, there are good things going on, and I am trying so hard to focus on those. It is just harder to do right now than it was before. August is a very bad time of the year for me. Obviously, it is the anniversary of Dale's death; it is also the time of year that my ex told me he wanted a divorce, and now, it is when I am losing my only friend in this town. So I am feeling very discouraged now, but it will get better. It will. Soon, I hope. And someday, I would love for August to be the anniversary of something really wonderful instead of the anniversary month of very sad losses.
So obviously, I have a lot of work to do in the upcoming weeks to get back on a positive track. Even I am sick of me feeling sorry for myself. I have decided, though, to put off new recipe days for awhile. I need to save money, since I have to pay for the new ceiling and lights for my living room. Along with some other stuff I decided to do to make the living room a little nicer. So for the next month or so, I am going to focus on the "laugh more" goal. I think that one will really help at this point.
I am doing well again with walking the dogs. We have had very nice weather this week. And I am doing very well with reducing soda. I did write last week, and I will write again later today, but that is another goal I am seriously struggling with, I just can't get past this writer's block at this point. And obviously, I need to take a look at the emotional risk thing. I need to figure out why I am willing to fight for small things, like keeping my own dishes when I was packing and Dale insisted that I should leave them for him, but I wouldn't take the risk when it came to giving "The Guy" the letter. So over the next few weeks, I need to think about that, and figure out what I can do to change that about myself, or at least make myself more likely to fight for myself and what is truly important to me.
Until next week.
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